Tales of the LNH #335: Ewoks II

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             | |      Tales of the			
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                                |_|  OF NET.HEROES

                           #335: Ewoks II

[ In Tales of the LNH #333, Panta was given a little job to do - hunt
  down the Ewoks, hideously cute furry things -  hiding in the tunnels
  beneath the Legion of Net.Heroes Headquarters. Dr. Stomper enlists
  a squad of Marines to help her. In #334, deep under Net.ropolis, they
  had already discovered a huge room of pod-lawyers...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Where are we?" Panta asked as the squad turned another corner in the
maze of tunnels, ladders and stairways.

Sargeant Apone stopped and spread out a map across his leg. He checked
the GPS transponder and penciled a point on the map. "According to the
map, we're either under the Yoyodyne Propulsion Labs building or under
the Yutani-Weyland plant. Why?"

"Oh," Panta answered, looking around as the marine folded the map, "it
looks kinda alien."

Three corridors, floored in red gratings, led away from where the squad
was resting; the lighting was a bluish-white light, cut into harsh shadows
by the black roof ribbing.

"Drake, motion?" the sergeant asked, rolling his stubby cigar in his fingers.

"Nuthin', Sarge," the marine private muttered. He fiddled with the motion
detector and then thumped it hard against the ground. "Damn'ed cheapest
contr'ctor," he swore.

Frost leaned against a flimsy plastic wall panel and pulled a pack from
a pocket. "Smoke?" he asked Panta as he tapped out a cigarette.

Panta shook her head. 

"OK," Frost said. He lit the cigarette and took a long drag. "Ahhhhh," he
sighed. "Like my father always said-"

A chill ran down Panta's back and along her tail. Private Frost was
reminiscing. Oh-huh. Not a good sign.

"- but good smoke is a good smoke. He had a lot of sayings like-"

Panta raised a furry hand. The way that Frost was talking - every time,
someone starts talking about the good times before the war - or after
the war...

"- funny. I sorta miss him. He knew all the best fishing holes in-"

The leopard girl opened her mouth. She had to stop Frost; she had to pull him
away from the wall-

"bait." Frost took another hit from the cigarette. "But the best place for-"

Panta walked towards Frost.

The black plastic panel shattered as hundreds of tiny, brown, furry hands
grabbed for the luckless private. He opened his mouth to scream. The hands
pulled him into the blackness.

"What's that? What's that?" Vasquez screamed as she swung the heavy machinegun
around.

BEEEEEP! BEEEEEP!

"Sarge! We have more motion in front of us. There must be hundreds of them!"

Panta looked down the hallway; the headlights on the marines showed an
empty corridor. At her feet, Frost's dropped cigarette glowed red. There
was a loud clack as Vasquez snapped back the action on the heavy machinegun.

"I don't see-" Panta started to say.

"They're in the ceiling!" the sergeant screamed as the roof plastic bulged. He
reached out with his pistol and slapped Vasquez's M22 upwards.

Rounds stitched across the corridor's roof as something squealed and screamed.
Then the weakened plastic split, raining furry bodies on the marines.

Panta was still a few paces away when the marines were buried under the
hordes of cute, cuddly Ewoks. In horror, she watched the Ewoks waddle around
the marines, hitting them over the head with oversized ballons and flowers.
The marines fought back the best they could - but they could not fight the
waves of cuteness from the foul fuzzy beasts.

At her throat, the OverCute Gem glowed as it protected the leopard girl
from the effects of the Ewok's eldritch spell. The sergeant stood in the
middle of the fight, his pistol held in one hand, a furry Ewok in the other;
his face was dripping sweat as he struggled to overcome the effects of the
cuteness to blow the Ewok's brains out.

The leopard girl stepped closer; if she could only join in the fight - the
marines might have a chance. Vasquez went down, a pair of incredibly cute
baby Ewoks (the most dangerous and vicious kind) choking the life out of her.
Hicks was screaming, "Game over man, Game over man!" as he ran and slammed
an Ewok on his head against the wall. Stunned, he fell nearly at Panta's feet.

The sergeant had overcome the Ewok's spell for a moment; he lifted his head
to stare at Panta.  "Run! Bug-out!" he screamed as more cute Ewoks launched
themselves at him. "Take Hicks!"

"But!" Panta choked out.

"Tell them," Sergeant Apone spate out his cigar, "Tell them that we died like
marines!"

Panta choked back a protest - the sergeant was now completely covered in a
rug of crawling, fuzzy, brown-pink Ewoks. He swayed, then fell over. His
hand opened. A grenade rolled out.

Panta dove for cover as the pile of seething, cute, eldritch Ewoks exploded.
 
           *                       *                         *

Panta came to. Of the squad of marines, only Hicks could be seen. Silhouetted
against the faint light of the corridor, a mound of flesh, fur, and Care Bear
balloons marked the final stand of the marines. Slowly, she climbed to her
feet.

Hicks groaned and sat up. "Wha' happened?"

"What are we going to do, Corporal?" she said, brushing herself off. "Everyone
else is gone."

"Aw shit," Hicks spat. He stood up and looked around. "Aw shit." He looked
at the heaps of dead, incredibly cute Ewoks.

"Corporal?" Panta waited.

"I say we take off and nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be
sure." Hicks said. He reached for his uplink. "Recon-13. Need recovery."
There was only static on the uplink. Hicks turned it off and looked at
Panta. "Recon-13's not reporting.  We're on our own until we can get
out of here. Which way's out?"

Panta sighed. The sergeant had the only map. She went over to look,
but of the equipment had been gnawed on by the bouncy, cute Ewoks. Panta
shook her head and pointed down the corridor. "Let's try that way."

The two got to the first turning before more Ewoks dropped from the ceiling,
trapping them. Hicks lowered the pulse rifle and chambered a round before
the Ewoks mobbed him.

Again, Panta watched as the cute Ewoks made the marine look silly. But 
instead of finishing him off, they left him standing, his equipment ruined.
One of the Ewoks waddled in front of Panta.

"Come! Yub-yup! Come!" he said.

Panta cast a worried look at Hicks; she might have been able to escape but
she could not leave Hicks behind. "I'll go," she finally said.

The Ewoks guided the leopard girl and the marine deeper into the tunnel
complex. Panta tried to remember the path they took but the route was
too convoluted. They stopped in front of a large roll-up door. Each
of the Ewoks took a moment to straighten up their appearance.

"I think we are going to meet the person behind all these," Panta waved
a furry hand around, "things. We had best look out." But she also tugged
on her short-shorts and retied her halter-top.

Hicks muttered something about nukin'; Panta could not make out what.

The door opened. A golden light poured from the room inside. With nudges
and pinches, Panta and Hicks were urged forward. Shielding their eyes
from the light, the two walked up to the throne.

"Greetings!" an almost familiar voice rolled forth.

"Manga-Man?" Panta asked. Squinting her eyes, she could make out the shape
of her enemy sitting on the throne, his arms thrown back, wearing a dirty
Legend of the Overfiend T-shirt and Dockers.

"No, I am Manga-Man's evil twin brother, Manga-Khan. You may call me 'Your
Majesty' or 'Your Highness', or 'Skippy' but-"

"But?" Panta asked. Hicks was mumbling to himself again. His hands were
working at something inside his jacket.

"-don't call me late for dinner!" Manga-Khan laughed.

"Why did you take us? What are you going to do with us?" she demanded.

"Do? Do? Nothing really. Just make you too cute, just like my subjects." He
waved at the crowds of Ewoks in the room.

"Why?"

"Because the world isn't cute enough. I am going to Super-Deform the world.
Just like 'Hello Kitty.'  Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" Manga-Khan reached into
a pocket and pulled forth a large, bulbous pistol. "With this SD gun, there
is nothing that will stop me! Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Become CUTE!"

He pointed the gun's end at Panta and Hicks and pulled the trigger. A beam
of pink and blue - with little flowers and butterflies - flowed over the
marine and the leopard-girl. It tickled.

Then everything happened at once in slow motion - Hicks's body began to change
- Panta's OverCute Gem glowed red-hot - Hicks dropped a Tac-Nuke grenade with
the pin pulled - '3' - Panta glanced at Hicks - he smiled, happy at last - the
OverCute Gem glowed yellow - '2' -  Manga-Khan looked worried; he kept the
beam going - Hicks's body was now smaller than his head; his eyes had gotten
huge and sparkly - the OverCute Gem glowed white - '1' - Hicks fell to the
floor, a sexless marketing toy - the OverCute Gem turned incandescent,
filling Panta's eyes with nothing but white - '0'.

              *                      *                          *
"Panta?"

...

"Panta? Can you hear me?"

Panta opened her eyes. Leaning over her was Organic Lass. Just behind her
was Doctor Stomper. Now she recognized the room - it was the Medical 
Quarters in the LNH building and she was in a hospital bed. "Wha?" she
asked. Her voice sounded funny - higher pitched.

"Panta? Can you tell us what happened?"

"How did I... "

"List-Lad found you on the front steps of the LNH this morning. He brought
you in."

"Last I remember, I was in someplace deep underground..." Panta said slowly.
She told her story - the attack and the capture. Manga-Khan and Hicks's last
gesture. I think my Gem saved me..." Her furry hand reached for the string
that held the OverCute Gem at her neck. "Wha? Where is it? My OverCute Gem?"

Organic Lass held out a blackened, cracked stone. "This was around your
neck when we brought you in. And-" her face showed concern and worry.

"And?" Panta asked. Her hands felt funny - short and stubby.

"You've changed."

"Changed? How?" Panta asked, sitting upright. 

Sitting up in bed, the leopard girl noticed she did not take up very much
of the bed - and that both Organic Lass and Dr. Stomper were bigger now.
Did the world shrink while she was gone?

Dr. Stomper opened a closet door to reveal a full-length mirror. "Panta?
Get ready for a big shock."

Panta looked at herself in the mirror. "I... I... I'm six again?" The leopard
girl looking back at her had the body of a six-year-old.

"As I make it out, Panta," Dr. Stomper lectured, "when the SD-Ray hit the
OverCute Gem, it finally overloaded. The only way it could save you is by
making you into an LNH-baby."

"Oh." Panta paused. "Does that mean that I have to take kindergarten again?"

[ What will Self-Righteous Preacher say? What does Gamer Boy think? And will
  Master Blaster and Frat Guy ever get over Panta no longer filling out
  the top of a swimsuit? To be continued....]
-- 



Optical Sciences Center                        hgb@catalina.opt-sci.arizona.edu
University of Arizona      "There is no situation so bad that it cannot be made
Tucson, AZ, USA 85721   worse by a creative bastard with a sick sense of humor."